just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
if only i could text you this smell
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
