Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Drunk is a universal language darling
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
