Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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