I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
