i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
