Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
