my vag is so smooth its legendary
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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