I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We need to rekindle our bromance
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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