Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
