i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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