I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
