I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
