Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
