I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
