I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
