She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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