I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
