You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
