my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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