I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
