I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Randomize