your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
