she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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