Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
