moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
