In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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