textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she pinky promised me she was 18
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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