she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
