His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
