She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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