if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize