Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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