im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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