The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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