my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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