stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
