I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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