kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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