Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
420 ftw
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
