listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
