I am spending my child support on dildos
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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