Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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