You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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