FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
