yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
