yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
