Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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