Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize