1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
