things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
