you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
