I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My penis needs a shock collar
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
