the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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