That's intense
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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