Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
