why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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