How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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