Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
