we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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